Girl Talk
by Nightsmoke
Summary: During a quiet time in the Hellsing estate, Seras confides Integra in a problem she's having. No pairings, funny ending--a review would be nice, thanks!


A/N: It's always hard to write stories like this because it really tests your imagination. Hellsing is always so professional, so you never really see the characters when they aren't vanquishing evil or fighting or on the job. You never know what they are like behind the scenes. I try to make everything as in-character as possible, but here Integra is supposed to be a little out to fit the story (but still Integra-like).

**All characters © Hirano Kouta**

* * *

**Girl Talk**

**-**

"We haven't had many disturbances this month, so this will pose the perfect opportunity to brush off some of the rust and step up our game," Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing said crisply, leaning her head against the back of her armchair and blowing smoke out lazily through her nostrils. It wafted up and faded slowly into the air of the large study. She folded her arms across her lap before continuing.

"And since I suspect there are ghouls involved, I want a full brigade sent out in a few days before Iscariot can get their—"she broke off suddenly. "Seras, are you alright?"

The blonde girl standing before her wore a strange expression, eyes wide and glassy, pointed teeth biting down against her quivering bottom lip.

"S-S-Sir—"

"Something you wish to tell me, Seras Victoria?" Integra asked brusquely through her cigar.

It was then that Seras knew she had lost the battle to hide it; it was coming out now and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

"S-s-s-s—"

Integra had suspected from her expression that the young vampire needed to cry, but the sheer intensity of the tears surprised the Hellsing heir. And believe me when I say Sir Integra is one who is hard to surprise. She plucked her cigar from her lips and waited until Seras was done, sitting up in her chair and fumbling around in her suit pocket for a handkerchief.

"There, there," she said soothingly, holding out the handkerchief to Seras, who took it gingerly. In truth, Integra was a tad concerned, for it was not like the fledgling to display such an extreme loss of control over her emotions.

Behind the glasses her pale blue eyes softened, watching the vampire attempt to scrub away the tears that were still squeezing out from her red-rimmed eyes. "Do you want to talk about anything, Seras?" She asked quietly.

Seras did not answer, but Integra could see in her watery blue eyes that the vampire desperately needed someone to confide in. The Hellsing head stubbed out her cigar and rose from her office chair, walking to the door.

"Come with me, Agent Victoria," she told her in a clipped, professional voice. "You will tell me what is irking you. I need my officers in top condition at all times, physically and mentally, otherwise they are of no use to me."

"Yes, Sir," Seras mumbled, giving an awkward bow and following the Head. She gave a sniffle, drying her eyes one last time. "Um, Sir?" she asked hesitantly as she followed her master's master down the winding corridor.

"For today and today only I will permit you refer to me as simply Integra," the woman replied. "That's an order. Now, what were you going to say?"

"Yes, S--_Integra_. Umm, where are we going, exactly?" Seras felt strange addressing her superior on a first name term, but knew she would get a scolding if she let her speech become more formal.

Integra gave a smile. "Why, my quarters of course," she said slyly. "It's the only place in this goddamn estate where I can have a little bit of privacy."

--

Seras Victoria blinked at Sir Integra as if the Hellsing head had gone utterly insane. The long-haired woman sat at the edge of a large quilted bed, gently patting the covers in an indication for the young vampire to join her.

"Uh, Integra-sama," Seras began as she made her way over to the bed, eyeing the lavish décor of the master bedroom. "Are you sure this is alright? I mean, why are you…"

"I thought I instructed you to drop the honorifics for today," Integra snapped.

"S-sorry," Seras mumbled sheepishly.

"No, it's alright, Seras," Integra replied, pushing her round spectacles up the bridge of her nose. "Even _I_ need a break from work sometimes. And to answer your question, I think it'll be liberating to have a nice talk with the only other being in this estate that doesn't harbor a Y chromosome."

A small smile threatened to upturn the corners of Seras's mouth. For a second she had almost forgotten what had upset her so. Perhaps having a little 'girl talk' with the master would do her some good.

"Now sit."

Seras obliged, removing her bulky training boots and tentatively crawled onto Integra's bed. She pulled her legs into a comfortable lotus position and surveyed the bespectacled woman known as Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. It suddenly occurred to Seras that Sir Integra was not much older than herself. Those lines around the woman's eyes and the permanent hardness that had settled into her features made the Hellsing heir look twice as old as her age suggested.

Integra removed a rogue strand of fair hair from her line of vision and stubbed out her cigar, which was a rare thing for her to do. "Now then. You _will_ tell me what is troubling you, Seras." The young vampire fledgling gulped silently. There was no way of escaping that icy blue gaze.

"It's nothing, really," she told Integra shyly, not wanting to burden the head with her inconsequential triflings and silly girlish emotions.

"Seras."

She sighed in defeat. "Alright. It's…it's my master," she began.

Integra snorted. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I don't think he likes me much," Seras told her, flipping a spiky blond tress of hair behind her ear.

"Alucard doesn't really like anyone," Integra said airily. "He's a bloody va—"

"—No, I mean he really _hates_ me!" Seras interjected strongly, traces of wetness reappearing around the edges of her eyes. "No matter how hard I try I can't seem to understand him!"

Her voice suddenly took on an annoyed air to it. "Did I tell you what he did last week?"

Integra felt a pang of curiosity stab her then. "No," she replied, her tone indicating that Seras should continue.

"Master filled my coffin with blood."

Integra raised an eyebrow.

"…while I was in it."

Seras winced at that recollection, trying to forget how difficult it was to get the stains out of her clothing. Suddenly the young vampire felt the rest pour out of her, almost like an unstoppable word vomit.

"Integra, master always toys with me like I'm nothing more than his plaything. He rarely speaks to me. Like, he's never there when I need him, and when he _does_ talk to me it's usually to scold me, and…" she trailed off.

"…and?" Integra asked.

Seras averted her eyes, a faint tinge of redness appearing on her pale cheeks. "This morning…you…know how master can polymorph his body, right?"

Integra gave a silent nod.

"Well, he—"she gulped, "he transformed into those god-awful centipedes and had them filter out through the shower head when I was showering!" Seras stammered, a few clear tears escaping and rolling down her cheek.

The Hellsing head blinked. "Oh my." The poor girl, no wonder she was crying so hard before.

Integra leaned back on the bed to situate herself in a more comfortable position, allowing a small smile to break out on her face.

"Seras, you have nothing to worry about," she told the other girl gently. "I will tell you something interesting, something that is only known between Walter and myself." Seras paused, her blue eyes wide.

"Alucard used to do the same things to me back when I fist met him ten years ago," Integra said with a reminiscent grin.

"R-really?" The vampire's eyes were larger than dinner plates.

Integra's sky-blue eyes twinkled amusedly as she nodded. "He would do all sorts of horrible things: blood in the bathtub, snakes in my bed, eyeballs in the food containers, you name it."

The other girl had forgotten that she was supposed to be sad. "You too, Integra?"

"Yes."

"But…why?" Seras asked. "Why does master do these things? I don't understand."

"Nor I, for the most part," Integra began. "But I believe that it is Alucard's way of showing that he likes you—don't ask me how," she added, seeing Seras's eyebrows jump up. "Who knows what lurks in the rotten corners of _that _vampire's mind." Seras giggled.

"So this is master's way of showing that he likes me?"

Integra answered, "In his weird way, yes. Although it can be quite gruesome at times."

"I know what you mean," she said, a bit more relieved. "It's just that sometimes master can be so…such a…"

"Go on, say it. It will make you feel better," Integra encouraged the girl.

"Such a **jerk**!" Seras blinked. "That felt kind of good," she stated simply.

"Didn't I tell you, Seras?" Integra asked with a humored slyness. "Let it all out."

"For someone who's lived for so long you would think that he knew how to deal with people!" Seras huffed. "He's so full of himself and so, so—"

"Irritable?"

"Yes, that's it!"

"Tell me about it," Integra said, eyes rolling behind spectacles. "Sometimes I think Alucard was a female in one of his past lives he's so touchy."

At this Seras stifled another giggle. Who knew that Integra-sama could be so amusing? Maybe the cold heir did have some joviality hidden behind that professional wall.

"He thinks he's God just because he's immortal," Seras snorted. "But what's so great about being shot to pieces every time he goes into battle?"

"Alucard," Integra began, adjusting the round frame of her glasses, "can get on my nerves too once and a while. The trick to his shenanigans, I've learned, is to not let them get to you."

"How did you do that when he did it to you?" Seras asked dejectedly, seeing no hope for herself. "I never know when or where he's going to strike."

"Believe me Seras, I am well aware. It's just the vampire's way of testing you, seeing if you'll break. Just be on your toes and don't let it get to you."

"Is this how true vampires display their feelings of affection, then?" Seras grumbled half-jokingly.

Integra couldn't help but laugh at this. "Not normal vampires, no," she responded, still chuckling.

Seras rose from the bed, her spirits restored. "Thanks S—Integra," she said gratefully. "I didn't know what I was going to do…" Integra stood as well and fished around in her pocket for a cigar, which she extracted and unrolled expertly. However she was interrupted by the young vampire fledgling throwing her arms around the Hellsing head in a quick hug. Integra blinked for a second and gingerly patted Seras's head, smiling softly.

"It's good to know that master doesn't hate me," Seras voiced aloud as she started towards the door of Integra's master bedroom. "Thank you, Integra-sama. I apologize for wasting your time."

"Don't be silly. I'm glad that I could be of service," Integra replied, tendrils of smoke curling around her face. In truth, it had been nice to talk with another girl, she thought, even if it was her subordinate. Living in headquarters day in and day out with filthy men could get quite redundant.

"Agent Victoria," Integra began in a curious tone, stopping the vampire who was halfway out the door, a rare impish grin blossoming on her hardened features as an idea wormed its way into her mind.

"Y-yes, Sir?"

Integra's eyes glinted dangerously. "How about we show a certain King that females have their own tricks up their sleeves?"

Seras grinned, exposing her pointed incisors that curled over her bottom lip.

--

Alucard stretched his legs, arching his back in the chair that sat in the dank basement. He removed his vermillion fedora, allowing clumps of dark hair to frame his face and tickle his skin. Suppressing a yawn, the vampire began to realize after a minute that he was inescapably bored out of his mind. There hadn't been any ghouls to vanquish this month, nor had he had any encounters with that regenerative paladin, Anderson. Alucard longed for something to do. He wondered vaguely where his two blonde virgins were. A deep chortle escaped his lips as he remembered this morning. His little fledgling had screamed so loud when he had come through the shower head… Hmm, he couldn't detect her whereabouts now, or his masters. He could only guess that the quiet meant they were in Integra's quarters, a place where he wouldn't dare venture. Maybe when they came out he could have a little fun and sneak into--

_Gurgle._

Or maybe it was time for some lunch. Alucard rose sinuously from his chair and phased through the walls of the dungeon in a mass of tenebrous shadows, reappearing in the Hellsing pantry where Walter usually kept the frozen medical blood.

Alucard reminded himself to feed more often as the saliva dripped slowly from his mouth. He opened the special freezer, crimson eyes glowing hungrily as he saw a fresh supply of packets lined up in the cooler. As expected of Walter and Integra, he thought smugly. They didn't dare forget to feed him.

He could barely wait as he watched the blood defrost, little droplets of water rolling along the sides of the plastic as the frozen liquid melted. He couldn't take it anymore after a few minutes. The blood was almost completely thawed out anyway.

The No Life King lustfully ripped open the packet and drank greedily and quickly straight from the plastic, allowing the cool liquid to run decadently down his throat…

…and just as quickly noticed that something was terribly wrong.

He spewed the red liquid in his mouth out in disgust, it hitting the opposite wall and running down in scarlet rivulets. Alucard coughed and gagged, wiping his mouth with a gloved hand. He stumbled about the kitchen retching slightly and trying to rid the abhorrent taste from his tongue by spitting profusely. With difficulty he made it to the sink and turned the water on full blast, fervently throwing his head under the run of water and opening his mouth wide to wash out the vile flavor that wouldn't dissipate.

When he could finally manage words, Alucard grabbed this opportunity to emit a particularly colorful string of profanities in a mix of languages. Integra would have dropped dead if she had heard such words in her estate—although she most likely would hear them anyway giving that Alucard was roaring at the top of his lungs.

--

"I think master has found the spoiled tomato juice, Sir," Seras said quietly to the head.

Integra's eyes narrowed with satisfaction, hearing the muffled hollers that could be heard even from four floors above the pantry. She smiled around her cigar.

"I do believe you are right, Agent Victoria."

End.


End file.
